Friday 27 October 2006

I Knew You Were Going To Read This.


I can't speak for everyone, well I could and it would make a lot more sense but anyway, have you ever experienced anything of paranormal fashion? no, I don't mean catching someone else's yawn, fuck you people have no imagination, I'm talking about when the phone rings and you know who it is on the other end, or you know to save something to draft just as Blogger messes up though I didn't get that feeling and my last post was sacrificed to Lord Blogspot , who said this service was free? it costs me my blood, sweat and seminal fluids .
I always knew Anne Bankcroft was going to die of cancer, when I was told she was dead I said "cancer"? all casual like, never a big fan but I just knew.
I do silly things like talk about something then the next day it turns up in my life, people, films that kind of thing, if I say big titty weemen then I find an e-mail from Fat Sparrow telling me how funny Kav is and how hot Hadon is, yeah yeah tell me something I don't know, shes such a groupie sometimes.
I can also predict that The sound of music will be shown at Christmas time the weekend after The great escape is shown, however I'm crap at getting the Lottery numbers, it never works when you think about it working, a little like Blogger.

There was a study done about something that Old Knudsen already knew . People that have had from birth, allergies, chronic pain, fatigue, depression, migraine, headaches, sensitivity to light, sound and smell are pretty much fucked and should be put down, also they are 3 times more likely to have an apparitional experience than those jammy bastards who are always healthy but whine anyway about being sick so they can fit in.
Men are more likely to have a visual experience while weemen get visual, sense a presence , hear, smell or see lights and energy, enough to make a physiatrist reach for his prescription pad.
Burn the Witches I say, woops sorry, old habits die hard, back in the day to avoid service in Oliver Cromwell's puritan stormtroopers 'The helmet heads' I became a Witch finder general, I'd go from town to town testing weemen for perkiness and witchiness (technical term) besides the arse slap and the pencil test I'd get a wet glass and set it down onto a table, a witch born of Satan's Barse cannot help herself but put a coaster under the glass and mutter some nasty incantations .
If you suspect that your wife is a witch try this test, known as the 'Dutch Oven' , in modern time men use it just to annoy their spouse but in days of yore that was a witch test. For those that live in a cave and need a Dutch Oven explained (Osama you need to get out more) its when a couple are lying in bed and the man farts and pulls the covers over his lady friend's head for her to enjoy, if the woman complains or tries to get out then shes a cruel vile witch and you're well fucked as she knows where you sleep, if she is pure of heart God will protect her so she may breath through the plate of ribs and 6 beers without a word, the man's fun will be gone and he won't try that again God 1 ---- mortal man nil.
Nowadays its not so cool to go around burning suspected witches, over the centuries the witch burning has become the family BBQ not as dramatic but smells better.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I dunno, Old Man; there's lots of families I'd like to see barbecued, but I for one would much rather sniff a witch.

Having said that, it's always worth a giggle to hang around the "alternative lifestyle" section of bookshops just to see the kind of woman who reads that stuff.

Go on. You know you want to. And believe me, it's fucking scary!

Old Knudsen said...

To me bookshops are scary, what if someone I knew seen me in there?

Anonymous said...

Weird. I was just reading Dive's post about witches and admiring the witch illustration, then I came straight here to see your post about witches and admire this illustration. Paranormal, I guess.

God have mercy on your previous wives!

Fat Sparrow said...

"have you ever experienced anything of paranormal fashion?"

You know I have (says she, spookily).

"Burn the Witches I say"

Watch it, you Stevie Nicks hating bastard.

Sassy Sundry said...

Hell hath no fury like a woman buried alive in fart blankets. Guess I'm a witch, as that trick would make me utter curses.

Maven said...

[Doing best Homer Simpson voice]: Mmmmmm, seminal fluids!

PS: My WASband used to "Dutch Oven" (or as they say in Jersey, "Submarine") himself. Fat Bastard from those Austin Powers flicks got it so right, "Folks always enjoy their own brew."

Old Knudsen said...

robyn Us old uns that remember the burning times (no not athletes foot) are trying to bring it back, God wants nothing to do with those weemen, all the Devils work.

fat sparrow I've told you before never ending pancakes is just a name, its not really paranormal.

sassy sundry I suspected you were, don't like dutch ovens, don't like noisey nieghbours, sounds like a daughter of Hecate to me.

nuggetmaven He sounds as conceited as a hybrid owner. Fat Bastard is indeed a fine Scotsman, him Sean Connery and me are known as the sexy tartan three, though I may have just lied, its getting harder for me to tell.

Sassy Sundry said...

Wait a minute... Is this not sucking up enough reference for me? Not sucking up enough? I complimented your poetry! And, I told you about heckling porn-watching tourists. Sassy is a wounded little witchy weeman.

Old Knudsen said...

Ok ok, I'll bump you to the top of the line for the one night stand,Robyn won't be happy but she doesn't heckle tourists, I'll be over to you blog in a minute, where I will validate your existance with my usual warm fuzzies.

Sassy Sundry said...

Happy Sassy, the witchy weeman

Old Knudsen said...

Good now tell that jar of Fluff to stop stalking me.

Andraste said...

I find it funny that most people who claim to be witches today do so only because they want to dress like Stevie Nicks.

The velvet cape and celto-jewelry is fine, but the fucking shag hair cuts have got to go.

Old Knudsen said...

Well thats why I became a witch, and incase anyone was wondering yes I have a matching velvet cap for me cape.

Anonymous said...

Stevie Nicks … Sigh … Why, oh why did she have to turn into a fat-faced old bint?

Bugger growing older!

It's that same thing that made Wednesday Addams grow up into Christina Ricci. Tragic.

Sassy Sundry said...

Pssst... It wasn't the aging. It was the blow.

Anonymous said...

No wonder Doctor Freud loves you; you're so slippery …

Anonymous said...

lol... i am pretty sure that i could fall into the category of witch.. but if my husband ever dutchovened me.... he would be feeling a sensation like no other as i CLEANED the oven out. :D

Old Knudsen said...

xmichra Thankou for that image, cleaning out the oven, thats a term I may have to use when I declare that I'm going for a shite.

babsbitchin don't be silly, Tommy Lee Jones won't die, well not unless he stops making crap films as the last few have been, yes Tommy Lee, you have been warned.