Thursday 16 November 2006

Hands Off Our Islands You Latin Twats.


Up until recently I thought the words to this Evita song were "don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never loved you".
I did think it was a strange and cruel line considering the context but as everyone knows Argentina is a cunt, those fray Bentos loving bastards that let all the Nazis move there after the Second World War and then got them to train their army (because Germans are such winners) and then theres the Falkland Islands.

A meat pie in a tin, you can even get curry flavour.

The Argies all fired up on Tequila or lighter fluid or whatever they drink doon there decided that the Falkland Islands were theirs and they could beat GREAT Britain or at least make them back doon, they puffed out their chests in a show of Machismo rounded up the islanders and raped the sheep and worse of all, touched our very own Flag.
The Falkland Islands had been British since 1833, though 99% of British people had never heard of them, but as national pride was at stake in April 1982 we went 7500 miles out of our way to kick some Latin speaking Gluteus Maximus (well they do live in Latin America)

The main ingredient in Fray Bentos meat pies.

Even though the Americans were highly amused at the whole thing Ronald Reagan did offer the services of America's greatest hero Johnny Rambo, after being informed 'again' that Rambo is a fictional character and Stallone shat himslf when he thought he was going to war Reagan then offered to go down on Maggie Thatcher, she blushed giggled and said ok.

Rambo ready to draw first blood, and paper cuts do count.

Reagan was an old senile ape lover, I'm an old senile monkey lover, apes don't have tails, when I suggested in my Meme that I would put my monkey Wanker down I got tons of angry e-mails ----- not! you monkey hating fuckers, not one of you cared about poor old wanker with the mange and the worms, not a one, go and feed him a banana and say sorry to him, and Kieran ever since you turned up again wanker has started to shake and have bad dreams, I know what you're doing .

One of the best shows ever, you monkey hating bastards.

I was quite old back then but my skill at being a survey administrator was needed, that's the politically correct way of saying 'Interrogator and torturer' , we hadn't tortured anyone since the 1950's, well there was the Irish terrorists but those sickos enjoyed it, you tell them that unless they talk you're going to take them up in a helicopter and throw them out, oh they talk alright with a big smile they say,"I've always wanted to go up in one of dem tings, do ya tink we'll see my house?"


Obviously a real Oirish person.

I sailed down to the Falkland Islands on HMS Fearless with the Royal Marine Commandos , like American Marines but with brains and better training, no college crap for them our people join just so they can kill for their country.
Some words and names that came out at that time .
Yomping which meant to walk over rough terrain , place names like Goose Green and Port Stanley, the civilian cruise ship Canberra was used to move troops and had a reality show filmed on it.
The Exocet missile was the Falkland's answer to the Scud of the Gulf war.

The deadly Exocet missile, of that I'm pretty sure.

Prince Andrew served aboard the HMS Invincible as a helicopter pilot, he used to give me a ride aboard his big chopper loads of times and only once on his helicopter.
Even as a survey administrator I killed my fair share of Argies, it was just like when I had a hamster if you forget to feed them they die, a tough lesson to learn, for them not for me I was well fed.

Prince Andrew on the right.

June 2007 is the 25th anniversary of the Falklands conflict and I would like to know this, why has there only been crappy dramas starring Colin or Peter firth? you know someone unrecognizable and instantly forgettable, where is our major motion picture? Brits can only make war films about Americans as they have all the money but Ridley Scott got around that with Black Hawk Down by filling the cast with a lot of Brits and one Australian as fake
Americans, the film was about a political abduction and then a gun battle which the Americans lost, c'mon we won our war, sure Black Hawk Down is a cool film but my post tramatic stress disorder flared up after watching it, I had to get cream for it.

My name is Gluteus Maximus, commander of the armies of the North and my phone doesn't work.

I have never watched Evita,Julie Covington had the biggest hit with Don't cry for me Argentina in 1976 but that Elaine Paige was a right bit of stuff, Sarah Brightman is a minger that shags werepigs and Madonna has got too much Y chromosome for my liking. I really don't care for all that Andrew Lloyd Webber crap and it was annoying that don't cry for me Argentina was stuck in my head, but then it clicked.
"Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never left you".
Now that makes a lot more sense.



Elaine Paige OBE, she must drink the blood of young runaways to stay young like Old Knudsen does.



Conclusion , we defeated the Evil Empire of Argentina and put a stop to their plans for world domination, the sheep are safe once again, unless we send in the Welsh Fusiliers to protect them.

20 comments:

Dick Headley said...

Hmm, Mrs.Thatcher...rings a bell...didn't he close the coal mines?

Old Knudsen said...

The jury is out on whether she was a he, she did have balls though, mines, US cruise missiles and sucking off Ronny she was a triple threat, not even the IRA could kill her, she was made of iron you know.

Foot Eater said...

You're right, that is a picture of an Exocet. Apparently the last words of the captain of the HMS Sheffield were, 'Great vibe today, eh, lads?'

peahen said...

Your blog is rivalling Dive's for the place to go for an impartial and reputable history lecture. Y'know, you should offer history degrees from a made-up university. I understand from Paul McKenna that people are prepared to pay handsomely for those.

peahen said...

PS - If anyone wants to do some home research on Mrs Thatch and the coal mines, you could do worse than watching the great Movie Brassed Off. it'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, it'll change your life.

Old Knudsen said...

I paid Mr McKenna an ass load of money to change my life in 7 days, after a session of his mind games, I woke up covered in blood and framed for murder, not the change I was hoping for. I lecture people all the time so I should get paid for it, that avatar, have I lectured you about not going too close to the edge?

Old Knudsen said...

Yes its a good um with pete whistlethistle and Obi Wan, that Ewan is good with the accents,and ever so pretty, everytime I think of the mines I picture Arthur Scargill and that hair, shedded wheat it looked like.

Anonymous said...

Latin America … Hee hee.

Thanks once again Mr. K. for a beautifully written, balanced and impartial history lesson.
Roll over and die, Wikipedia; this is the place to come for the real story.

And Monkey? Yaaaay!

Totally agree about Sarah Brightman. I mean, what the fuck was going on there, genetically?
Elaine Paige, however, is a troll.

BEAST said...

Well how to pick the bones out of these obviously drunken ramblings.

Falkland Islands....piffle....I have been there... a guano besplattered pile of old rocks with loads of sheep , a missen hut and a few completely befuddled sheep shaggers....but of course there might be oil , and hey presto there is much flag waving , churchilian speeches , and boat loads of chavs sent out to save 'our sovereign teritory' that we knicked in the first place .

Fray Bentos Pies....yum yum

Sarah Brightman....***GAG***

Eliane Page.....Yuk

And what first attracted me to Multi Millionairess Marradona....her HUGE assets...he he

BEAST said...

Well how to pick the bones out of these obviously drunken ramblings.

Falkland Islands....piffle....I have been there... a guano besplattered pile of old rocks with loads of sheep , a missen hut and a few completely befuddled sheep shaggers....but of course there might be oil , and hey presto there is much flag waving , churchilian speeches , and boat loads of chavs sent out to save 'our sovereign teritory' that we knicked in the first place .

Fray Bentos Pies....yum yum

Sarah Brightman....***GAG***

Eliane Page.....Yuk

And what first attracted me to Multi Millionairess Marradona....her HUGE assets...he he

BEAST said...

It was so good I did it twice :-)

The Dog of Freetown said...

It's the little Wanker who won't leave me alone. Always turning in his sleep. And you told me he was toilet trained. Filthy beast.

Anyway, about that bit of argie bargie - a friend of mine's father, who is now bursar for England's premier posh school, was in the Navy and used to whisper under Prince Andrew's door at night to freak him out. At least that was his explanation for being there. Don't know why he needed his trousers round his ankles though. When he was telling me the story, I mean.
Stop bumming around, join the Navy.

Anonymous said...

Who won that war anyway?

Andraste said...

Latin America, very good. Remember Dan Quayle? Our Vice president under one republican dickhead or other.

He said this, he really said this,
"Oh, I've always wanted to visit Latin America, though I don't speak Latin." Bahhhhhhhh

Old Knudsen said...

dive balanced and impartial history

Of course it is, I wouldn't want my Argie readers who search for 'sheep porn' and get me to be upset, we really did kick their arses ha!

Mr Beast of course we knicked it, but from the French who stole it from the Spainish,the Argies can fuck off, its those with the fire power that keeps the land go ask the Jews. That comment was worth a second turn.

kieran I wondered what that sound was, it used to freak me and Randy Andy out, we'd hide under the covers, thats the most Navy I want to join, totally ghey.

Xmichra half naked sweaty men running about and you like it? theres a surprize.

kav I forget that you young people know nothing about history, The Americans won,they came in an hour before the time ran out set up their flag, took alot of pictures and made a movie.

andraste was Dan Quayle not the guy that Cheney was hunting? you yanks all look the same to me.

Taihae said...

i was gonna protest you dumping wanker the monkey but i didnt want him to know how much i cared, spoil the little devil rotten, its like kids, telling them you love em only makes em soft and spongy. I feed the little bastard a banana every day as it is.

Rob7534 said...

I LOVE Elaine Paige!

I curse those who spoke ill of her!

You have lost your Ghey Cred Knudsen! You didn't know the words to "Don't Cry For Me Argentina!" Shame on you! Shame on your house! Shame on your Wanker!

O.K. I fogive you. You know I can't stay angry with you for very long. Come gimmie some luv!

Old Knudsen said...

taihae someone probably said something about evil winning when tossers stand about and do nothing, maybe it was me or they copied me anyway, you expect me to believe you are a soft hearted monkey lover?

rob after all I've done to promote Gheyness, by constantly giving gheys the stick and the carrot (mind out of the gutter) I am attempting to make it so very mainstream and acceptable to all, well thats my story, I whore myself for readers of all faiths by loving insult, your luv is in my heart, my blackened evil protestant heart.

Anonymous said...

Margaret, some latin lothario is now looking for you so he can give it you up your Malvinass...

Old Knudsen said...

She has no Dennis or Ronny, I'm sure shes gagging for it by now, and those latins don't need lube as they are naturally slimy.