Tuesday 28 November 2006

Whinge,Minge,Binge These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things.

This is for the ladies in the hoose, do ya wanna catch my night fever?

Andraste you're the gurl, you make my sail unfurl,
you weigh my anchor though I'm a wanker,
and my poetry makes you hurl.

For those that haven't been reading me religiously everyday, fuck thanksgiving and your children's birthday, you're sick? excuses excuses, well ok you missed fuck all, I went on a history kick, I love history, its all about the past and thing, as the saying goes,'those that don't know history are stupid shites' or is it doomed to repeat it? no its 'spoils the broth'.
I'm a big believer in Karma, except the evil bad fuckers never get touched fast enough for my liking. God said to me, "Knudsen pride comes before a fall" and I said, "have you been drinking again? oh no, not another global flood its off home for you" .
Because I took glee in the destruction of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock's marriage my sidebar got pushed down to the bottom of my blog.

I like looking at my own blog, I can sit and just admire it, so it bothered me when it happened, Andraste in her wisdom pointed me towards the pictures having pushed it down, it was on the right track but changing them didn't work, it was the excessive links I had in that foul baneful post,
so I banished the two of them to the past where they belong, fucking has beens, they now live in November 22nd, there they can rot and I can gaze at my blog, Thankyou oh wise one.

Tiahae asks
Dear old knudsen.
You are my favorite of all bloggers so i wanted to know - why is your face like that?

I welcome questions from my young firm fellow bloggers and I feel it my duty to educate them.
Years ago when I had full use of my legs and my bowels I was a Muff diver, I could go down for several minutes at a time getting the job done to my satisfaction, what really left a bad taste in my mouth was the rules and regulations that was enforced on the rough trade known as Muff diving, do this do that, well the older I got the less Muff came my way and I must admit I wasn't too strict about the quality of the bearded clams I went down for.

The great clam not for the weak.

Near the end of my Muff diving days I came upon what I thought was an urban legend, something to scare the young virgin soldiers. I found a bearded clam with teeth. It sucked me in and messed me up pretty bad, the smell that came from that stench trench of doom caused me to vomit which made the clam release it's death grip on my face , that's how I got away, in my dazed confusion I didn't even lift the £10.00 from the side table.
I sometimes smell the aroma in my sleep and wake up in a fevered panic and for some reason I always have a pube to pick from my teeth.

I hope that answers your question young lady.

13 comments:

BEAST said...

Old Knudy , always carry a pack of 'GashFresh' wipes with you when on a muff diving expedition , you need no longer fear those embarrassing odour problems....available now from Beastshop online , save ££££'s by taking advantage of our two for 1 offer , buy two packs of Gashfresh and get a trial pack of Helmetshine or Cheeseaway free.
Beastshop your first choice for glistening gonads !

Frobisher said...

What about dental dams (lezzers use them for muff eating) and a peg for your nose?

Jagd Kunst said...

I feel close, O so close, yet geologicaly far away, Like I'm mia farrow and ur Woody allen...

Step asside

O well Neway

Anonymous said...

I love the history. And the poetry. The clam-pube thing is... well... interesting.

CrankyProf said...

My. Such imagery and onomatopoeia.

Foot Eater said...

Are you sure the teeth didn't appear in the bearded clam after you vomited?

Old Knudsen said...

Mr beast I am still awaiting several items from your on-line tuck shop, if I started to detail clean every clam I'd have to raise prices and put meself out of business, since the great plague business hasn't been that great but I'm free from infection now.

Mr frobisher I have one thing to say about Lezzers,fucking amatuers! like American footballers with their big pads.

jagd kunst how the fuck did I become Woody Allen? was it my nasal ramblings about intimacy?

dive no 'that' doesn't make you a perv, you already were one.

sassy sundry poetry is kinda ghey so I insult people to mask my insecurities, does my blog look big to you?

crankyprof usually a teacher would say,"must try harder" to me so can i get some kind of diploma of something? Al Pacino just got one from Trinity and his blog is shite.

Mr eater you're like a shark with blood, everytime I write about vomit you smell it and comment.

Jagd Kunst said...

Shit, did I say that? I must have been dr unk...

Old Knudsen said...

Those that post here usually are.

JanieBelle said...

Alas, poor Muff Diver..
I knew him Horatio.

Old Knudsen said...

As someone once said about me I'm a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy, I told them to fuck off and glassed them, you shouldn't have to hear that kind of thing from your own mother.

Andraste said...

Just did a lovely linguini and white clam sauce for the family dinner on Monday. How serendipitous.

Lovely poem, old son. Stellar stuff. I'm so...touched!

No one's ever written a poem to me. And I think I just figured out why.

Old Knudsen said...

Blogjinx!
It was either a poem or bubble bath and as I'm cheap.