Sunday 14 January 2007

I Am The Burger King, I Can Do Anything.


The above picture was from a photo shoot I did as promotion for being the knew lead singer for a wee pop group called The Doors. The old lead singer faked his death in the 70's and moved to Canada.
We called this shoot 'The old lion' , I know you can't tell but as well as being high as a kite as us pop stars are I had to have my scrot tucked and stapled to my thighs as it hangs doon a bit too much, the shit I was on was good and I didn't feel a thing until a week later when it went septic. The 4 weeks that I rehearsed with the band were terrible, this guy Ray Manzarek thought he was incharge even though 'I' was the 'lead' singer he blocked all my ideas and requests. For a start I couldn't stop giggling through 'Back door man' and then I wanted to change 'People are strange' to 'People are fuckers' and to be a little more up to date instead of 'Hello I love you', I wanted to sing,' Wassssup, I think its love, baby', the kids would dig it. I wanted 'LA woman' to be 'Arbroath weemen' and to cut all that musical shite out of 'Light my fire'.
Things didn't really work, professional differences and the fact that though I look good I can't really sing, I mean worse than the last guy and that's something. Their loss, I mean where are they now?

So anyway I was just sitting here at the computer on a dull grey drepressing day hoping for some inspiration to strike. I was either going to write about my night of wild animal lust with Princess Anne in which I turned my athlete's foot into an STD or how I was fired from the Roundheads by old warty Oliver Cromwell himself because I refused to part with me foreskin, so my penis Kenny kept his flamboyant head covering and I joined the Cavaliers, not the best of career moves looking back on it.

I wasn't in the mood for either and I sensed my readers wanted not stories of my past glories but half naked weemen and midgets being fisted. I was like a sail without wind.
The clouds outside parted and the sun came like a God into my room , the vitamin D must of reacted with the painkillers I'm addicted to because I was suddenly in a good mood, for fuck sake, this feels odd I thought, I wanted to hug somebody, a gurl with huge knockers would of been nice. I then knew what to post about, I got the idea given to me like ' manners from Heaven ' as I basked in God's golden shower.
This is a positive post on why I like Blogs and Blogging.

I like the fact that Old Knudsen has saturated the Google search monster with his meaningless poison and when a pervert looks for 'Hot midget sex' they get a post on Tom and Katie. Old Knudsen one - other perverts nil.

My opinion is the only one that really makes sense or counts so I'm glad that its there sort of published for mankind so that *1000 people a day* can read my wisdom.

It makes me feel all warm in a nice dry way when people tell me about the crap day they were having until they read my ever so humorous post.

I'm glad the fan e-mails and the titty pictures out number the hate mail and death threats I get sent(my Ma sends titty pictures and death threats)

I am an artist and I know my work has been a success when I invoke emotion and passion in others enough to get an anonymous hateful comment.

Blogging is easier and faster than the shite I showed that I make on Old Fake Man Balls and posts are easier to destroy in a fit of artistic rage.

I meet people that I wouldn't want to meet in real life as they are quite creepy and I can just stop talking to them and start wanking to some porn. That's frowned upon in the real world out on the street or in my son's living room last week.

To be honest with the exception of **one person** that keeps commenting and being a cunt I love my readers.

I love that I can put up whatever I want and honour whoever I want depending on my whims and who dies.

Did ya hear that pop? I felt it go off in me neck, I think that's the end to my good mood and possibly a stroke, no I don't mean another wank, ok fuck the postive post, heres what I hate.

YouTubes, pretentious twats, black blogs, my sidebar slipping, Blogger fucking up after all this beta shit, wordpress, haloscan, humourless passionless people with Blogs, being thanked for a comment on another Blog, people being nice in the comments to be polite I clean my own ring and people nervous to comment incase I look at yer blog, what the fuck? you know I'm the best but I'll be polite, my greatness has its responsibilities.


*A guess a mated figure based on the invisible Blogliners and my ego*


**You're so vain, you probably think this comment is about you don't you don't you?**

28 comments:

GG said...

love ya knuddie, ya grumpy old bastard. thanks for the laugh, oh, and for the comment you left on my blog yesterday.

that is so spooky - i was just listening to the doors last night for the first time in years. i feel connected to you in a special way, although now that i've seen you without yer kit on, it just makes me feel dirty.

Old Knudsen said...

Probably listening to them as I typed it out, we are connected and I like me gurls to feel dirty, first dirty, then the guilty, then the blame and then the cup of tea, its normal.

Eddie Waring said...

Ray Manzarek is a twat. His brother, Sid, works in the McDonalds up the street from me. He sez that Ray is loaded but still comes in all the time trying to get free Chicken McNuggets the tight fisted bastard.
Can you send me some of them titty pictures your Ma sent you?
Have you ever had yer appendix out?

Old Knudsen said...

pictures on their way, you may never be the same afterwards. Appendix? no what you're seeing is muscle definition. Ka-chow!

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

I can't see the picture! It's that darn Blogger again isn't it Old K. Pissing you off even more is that? Oh it's just mean. Now i've confirmed who Kenny is i wouldn't have minded making his acquaintance and from your words, it seems he might have popped out to say hello today. Anyway, the Doors mmm yes. I hope you'll be nice when you visit my blog because i'm a bit nervous you won't be (shiver and shake) and thanks for visiting in the past, it's been really good of you to spare the time. Awfully decent of you old chap. Yawn i'm tired this morning Old K, you kept up, er sorry you kept ME up late last night. It was hellish fun though. Do you still respect me this morning, that's the Q?

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

I can see the pic now. Young Kenny is the spitting image of you isn't he? Ahh. You must be proud.
Fine figure of a man you are Old K; bit cuddly in places, that's always good, yet strong stance saying 'man'.
How much fan mail have you got this morning, i bet you're wading through it from the front door to the bathroom aren't you where you sit and have a jolly good... read.

Fat Sparrow said...

This is possibly your best post ever. I know I've said that before, but still.

Fat Sparrow said...

"To be honest with the exception of **one person** that keeps commenting and being a cunt I love my readers."

I do miss Footie.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

When i linked you yesterday, i was pondering how to describe your blog. Seeing today's pic, i think i chose wisely.

The Mistress said...

Arms at your sides please. You're hiding your nipples in that pic.

dive said...

I was having a crap day until I read your humerous post.

Now I feel all moist and furtive.

Sassy Sundry said...

Knudsen, I don't know what I would have done in the twenty minutes I've been awake without this humorous post.

That image of you just might haunt me for the rest of the day, though. That and the thought of hearing "Back Door Man" in a Scotish accent and the whole fisting thing.

Scout said...

Kenny?

"I love that I can put up whatever I want and honour whoever I want depending on my whims and who dies..." this is one of my favorite aspects of blogging, too. You hardly ever get to do that in real life.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

Your sexual routine, outlined in your above comment, has such finesse, Old K. Enticing.

tony said...

No dh Special K. means me!
Wots wrong with "black blogs"? Im hurt..........
in the late 1970's a very drunk Elvis Costello pissed on my shoes while we were both standing in urinals in a Liverpool Club........(i havnt washed them since!)......

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

Looking at the photo again; where you excited to be having your photo taken naked, Old K?

Old Knudsen said...

My dearest Lynn careful you don't get drool on yer keyboard,respect is for the weak, where's my tea? you said it in yer early comment that i must be proud, I was standing proud alright.

fat sparrow footie? you mean football? oh that shifty fella that eats feet, I remember now, he was a cunt.

mj I'm not a piece of meat to be lusted after, I'll see what I can do.

dive now that is an image I didn't need, try a woman's panty liner.

sassy sundry haunt my arse, you've printed it out, you love it.

kimba a desperate blog slut

aren't we all? I may clean my own ring but sometimes it needs a touch up.

robyn ok robyn, all truthful men will tell you they name their penis, mine is called kenny.
maybe we like the control of a blog that we miss in ours lives.......deep.

dh poor DH, I somehow knew you would claim to be the thorn in my side, remember when you said you were a beatle and Jesse James? you attention hoor.

tony why would you wash piss stained shoes? you don't eat off them, Elvis Costello is Irish, its their way, black blogs lead to 79% of Bloggers going blind due to the difficulty of reading them, I must say that you tend to find the funniest pictures I see on blogs, been meaning to tell you that.

Old Knudsen said...

jagd kunstEveryone wants to be Spartacus, I agree you are a cunt, well done.

black blog, dark blue text and saying the Hobbits were up my grandma indeed, she fought in the war for people like you.
I never met El Barbudo, lucky for her I say.

tony said...

well thank you........but i must correct ,I steal the funniest photos.........Theft ,i guess, is a kind of Art........?

Sassy Sundry said...

Elvis Costello peed on your shoes, Tony? I'd display them.

And, Knudsen's right. Some of those photos are a scream.

Sassy Sundry said...

Knudsen, how long is that picture going to be the lead for your blog? I bet you're leaving it up on purpose.

Old Knudsen said...

tony people go on about photo sharing and when you share it they complain, you can't win, 5 years ago they weren't so uptight, pics are so much harder to find to steal now.

sassy sundry I knew you loved it, don't worry, yer devotion has been noted, can ya make tea?

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

'my dearest lynn'? Ooh, i'm so thrilled and taken aback by this measure of affection Old K, i've quite forgotten what you actually said. Swoon. !

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

LOVE IT! Yes indeed my keyboard is quite covered in drool now.

Ame said...

GET THE keyboard AND screen cleaner please, someone HURRY!

I'm having visions of excess bodily fluids traveling at high rates of speed!

Quick, cover your EYES! ;)

Plimco said...

I'm not sure this counts as an entry, Mr. Knudsen...

Old Knudsen said...

lynn I will break yer heart, or at least yer keyboard.

ame no wonder there are so many virus' out there.

plimco well that sucks.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

I think you could break my heart Old K...