Tuesday 16 January 2007

On The Roach.


This is Judd Law a soldier and veteran of many a conflict against evil and danger that lurks in bedrooms or back gardens everywhere. he was no stranger to the feel of concrete scraped along his muscular plastic body or a free fall from an upstairs window.
Judd Law is hard but even hard men have their limitations , his was in the form of Grendel a vicious Yorkshire Terrier. Nothing good except the flat cap came out of Yorkshire, Grendel put the terror into terrier, ok I can see they are two different words, if ya came here looking for things like grammar, punctuation and maybe sense well you're shit out of luck, all I have to offer is fisting and goats, I didn't become the #1 must see blog by making sense you know .

Grendel
Evil that can fit into a hand bag.

In an unprovoked attack Grendel savagely chewed at judd's arm, having mistaken this terrier for a bear as the scale thing is all off Judd played dead .
I can only imagine the fear and pain that Judd endured. Grendel being a wee yappy shite of a dog that has no business being alive remembered that he had some nice pissy parts to lick at and some cat shit in the garden to eat and tottered off to do so.
Judd looked at the chewed stump that used to be his hand and sucked it up (shook it off ,Yank speak) he ain't no pussy GI Joe, hes an off brand Action man and proud of it. His marksman days were over, Dr X was bound to sweep to power now unless extreme sports Action man could stop him.
The little boy of the hoose 'Sid' had his friends over one day to have an epic battle in the back garden, Judd being already wounded was killed straight out by a rock being lobed at him, the fighting went on as Judd lay under the Rhododendron bush half buried in soil and forgotten about MIA.
That year we had our annual 2 days of dry semi sunny weather known as summer and Sid's mum decided to tidy up the yard with the hopes of turning lobster red as is the tradition. The mucky half broken action figure ended up at the top of a packed wheelie bin which was left out on the kirb on Wednesday to be collected .
Still with so much to offer Judd was cast aside onto the scrap heap of life.

You may pause here to shed a tear or get back to searching for porn.

Maybe Judd was found by a passer by who likes to roach now and again. Roaching: to go on the scrounge for rubbish to reuse, sell or to have lie in the garden until you either figure out what to do with it, it rots or you throw it out. I am Old Knudsen, I am a roacher, its been 6 hours since I last went roaching. One man's junk is another man's........................................ junk, but could potentially be treasure who knows?

Rehabilitation for a case of such neglect and abuse takes time, a lot of self esteem issues to work through. Almost 2 years later Judd's anger still burns, "how could they do this to me?" he screams before he catches himself and checks his outward emotion, Hasbro would be proud of him.
Even when I used my skill with half bricks on the window's of Sid's hoose his pain and anger never lessened, so I asked him "why the fuck did ya tell me to do it in the first place ya wanker? I almost got caught", he didn't care " shut up old man and fill those bottles with paint and we'll go get their car", like I said, still angry.


Survival smarts.

If ever faced with a growling dog you must stare at it in the eyes to show dominance, then thump it on the nose sharply and insert yer thumb up it's bunghole. The beast may become even more enraged and rip at yer throat, never fear for you have won a moral victory for superiority over the souless creatures like dogs that are sent from the Devil. Once in a place of safety apply pressure to yer wounds and be faster next time.


PAFRAUK

Posable Articulated Figure Rehabilitation Association of the United Kingdom. Founded 23rd June 2005.

16 comments:

Eddie Waring said...

The Oscar for Best Screenplay goes to..... Old Knudsen for Toy Story 3.

Old Knudsen said...

Judd Law said hes going to get you, and yer little blog too.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

Yes wasn't Sid the vile boy next door who used to decapitate toys in Toy Story? I see... no need to ask your favourite film then Old K.

tony said...

An 'Armless & Lawless Tale Sir!Bravo!

Scout said...

So, this evil dog...does have pupils in those glowing green eyes? Ratty lap dogs are all vicious.

The Mistress said...

Judd Law may be a hard man but Big Joe is harder.

Sassy Sundry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sassy Sundry said...

Beowulf has nothing on old Judd Law. That Grendel was terrifying.

Somehow, I don't think the anus part works so well, Knudsen. Perhaps you could show us an unretouched photo of yourself? I bet your neck has nasty scars.

Unknown said...

Oh fuck me runnin' barefoot, ya had me in tears. There are crippled men and toys strown and prostrate all about my house. "Izzy the Irrational" not only chews, rips, tears, maims and destroys, she even eats them. I find more plastic in her shit than tupperware has bowls. It's awful and now I am aware of their pain. Poor wee buggers!

Unknown said...

I gotta side with Sassy, I'll mount 'em with a strap on, (I do this every Friday and Saturday, whether they need it or not)but I can't do the ol' finger up the ass trick, not w/a dog, anyway, hahaha!

The Dog of Freetown said...

And now you've insulted Yorkshire, God's own county.
Your fate is sealed.
You're going down Knudsen. DOWN!

Taihae said...

easy on, kieran, rats are the beastie of new york, but that doesn't stop anyone from recognizing their wee evil little fuckers that would chew on your face soon as look at you.
Knuds, I'm going into retirement for a bit, but i want you to soldier on. No, please...don't cry. Only change is constant. I'll be reading your wisdom as often as I am able, you damn dirty auld manthing, you.

Old Knudsen said...

dive Judd says he was a monster thats raped him many times.

lynn A regular to Old Bitter Balls knows I insert things into the layers of my tales that sometimes get missed, good your're paying attention, names have been changed and all that.

tony mindless too.

robyn who are you and why are you holding that head? creepy little ghost gurls scare me as do green glowing eyed dogs.

mj that fella had some neck on him and not the one in his shorts.

comment deleted I read that comment and shame on you, no wonder you ended up in the ER, those heads do come off.

sassy sundry the thumb is counting coup on the enemy and only for the brave. I'm on my third neck kindly donated by the homeless.

babsbitchin does a plastic heart beat less than a real one? who cares? I had a dog that ate £50.00 once, don't worry I got it back.

kieran you only comment to threaten me these days, where has the love gone? get back to yer sheep and minging bitter, why is it called bitter and not just off? I will go doon if the price is right.

taihae I read something to that effect yesterday, I have only just stopped crying, not the post I like to see, yer dirty mind and smutty ways will be missed, we've lost some good men lately, Blogging is hell.
look after yer studies, sit up straight and remember its all in the perspective life and art.

Sky Clearbrook said...

That second photo of Judd looks like Graham Norton.

Old Knudsen said...

I'm not going to tell him that, he'd kill me.

Unknown said...

I'm impressed that you know what counting coup on your enemy is. You never cease to amaze me. Most people, thus far, that I know of, have no understanding of it. Very good ol' Chap!