Wednesday 24 January 2007

You Get What You Pay For.

I'm in love with Salma Hayek but she never returns my e-mails, nothing to do with the post I'm just proud to be a Hornivore.


Along with several Bloggers I also thought that Ernest Borgnine was dead. I found out not only is he not dead but he turns 90 today. Happy birthday, I will put you on my watch list for obituaries.


Fuck hes ugly, which is why I didn't put him at the top of the post.


The latest news in the world of competitive dying.

Julie Winnefred Bertrand, the oldest living woman in the world and oldest living Canadian, died on January 18. The 115-year-old from Quebec held the Guinness World Record as oldest living woman for just a few weeks, the pressure was just too much for her and she has been referred to by her rivals as "a flash in the bed pan".
The new title holder, Emma Tillman, born November 22, 1892 in Gibsonville, North Carolina, was one of 23 children born to emancipated slaves. Tillman had a moment of exuberance and lost the professionalism and dignity expected of someone of her position, much like when Nancy Pelosi was made speaker of the House of representatives and shouted about being the most powerful woman in America (Oprah sent her an e-mail saying I'll slap you down bitch) Tillman punched the air and shouted " in yer face whitey, who has the power now?" and did some body popping or whatever it is that they do.

Damn its hotting up, with so much at stake anything can happen, I will keep you up to date at least a week after its all over.

I was in a shop yesterday and the guy had the radio playing behind the counter, I recognised the tune but never new who sung it then I heard the lyrics.

Close yer eyes, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh .

I listened to make sure of it thinking I'll mention this song on me Blog. I am the worst for mishearing lyrics, my previous post with Don't cry for me Argentina (insert link to post here if I could be arsed) proves it. I did a search for the song and it turned out to be sung by Toto who had two over played songs that were hits in the 80's, the actual words are.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh

There was me thinking it was about unpredictable money shots but no, it was about phone sex of something.

"Hello Kieran my names Angel, I'm 22 and hot for academic types, what am I wearing? oh you naughty boy you just made my nipples pop up like corks, all I'm wearing is a G-string and baby oil made from freshly crushed babies and I'm rubbing it into my melon like boobies, Kieran? are you still there pet? oh you're done already? if you would like to talk to me again just request Angel".

To make a point for all those men out there with small willies, no names mentioned but they do have Blogs in my links. Size doesn't matter as weemen are doing more phone sex these days and the phones are getting smaller, I don't know what the attraction is with putting a phone up yer vadge unless it had vibrate or something but I never use someone elses phone, you just never know where they have had it.
Some dirty fuckers talk on the phone while sitting having a crap, ok I Blog while I'm having a Blog but that's different, you don't hear me grunting nor do you hear any splashes, maybe from now on I'll do a little ::::grunts::::: just to let you know what I'm up to:::pinches off::: just to give you a taste of my life, press Ctrl/Alt/Backspace/Enter to smell my life:::::splash::::::

Fecal matter flying about yer bathroom because you don't flush with the lid doon then you put yer phone to yer mouth and inhale yer own shit all day, go on use someone elses phone, if you're lucky its just been up some vadge.

I don't like to be pigeonholed or put into a jar, fuck off you grown up cunts, can ya spare a fag mate?

That's me off my subject ya bastards, I hope yer happy, well actually I don't, why should you get to be happy ? I didn't see you at the Alamo or Dunkirk, those Texans and British put up a hell of a fight, no thanks to you we got lucky.

Mondegreens, that's the name for misheard song lyrics. Another one I've been mis-singing for years is Neil Diamond's 'Forever in blue jeans', I would be going around belting out the words that I thought I knew and mumbling the rest, I'd give it some welly alright and I'd cap off the verses with 'Reverend Bluejeans hey!' well I thought it was about a trendy vicar that tries to be hip and cool by wearing jeans.

Remember what day tomorrow is folks, it maybe a ghey day but I'll be going around collecting tribute.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I agree, Salma is way do-able.
My favourite all time mis quoted song lyrics come from my god daughter who attributed ba ba black sheeps wool to one for the Master, one for the day and one for the little boy living in the rain.

Old Knudsen said...

The thought of the little boy that lives in the rain makes me feel sad. Many weemen I've found fancy Salma, shes an all rounder.

The Mistress said...

Julie's dead?

Yay!

Now I'M the oldest living Canadian.

Old Knudsen said...

Its a cut throat world of competitive dying. Is living in Canada really living? thats the question.

dive said...

Happy Birthday, Ernest Borgnine (is that like Borg Seven of Nine?) …
I do like a man who makes me look pretty.

'Scuse me while I kiss this guy …

Jagd Kunst said...

are you tryin' t' say Ernest Borgnine was born on the same day as mean' John Holloway?

Din't comacross that way....

The Dog of Freetown said...

I bet her tash tickles. Sexy old slut.
Anyway, did I ever mention I had Selma Hayek? I think I did actually.
Not THE Selma Hayek, but her namesake. A rather fat Tunisian girl, as it happens, with a tash too. Actually I can't be sure it was a tash - she just had hair all over. Very warm girl she was.
I'll post some pictures just as soon as I get off the phone.

Scout said...

Hey, I have an obituary watch list, too. Not an actual list--it's mental, and Van Johnson is at the top.

Sassy Sundry said...

Hayek is beautiful. I'm sorry that you only have old biddies calling you. Perhaps Reverend Blue Jeans could say a little prayer for you.

Anonymous said...

It is also Neil Diamonds B-day today! Hurray for Neil! My youngest came home one day telling me of the coolest song he ever heard but didn't know the title of the song. But the lyrics go like this..."Dirty Deeds and the Dungeon Cheese! Gotta love kids

Ame said...

Geeeeeeez Kunddie...you're just on TOP of EVERYTHING! ;)

Evidence to support your "Girls-just-wanna-have-fun-with-
their-cellphones" theory, check this out! JUST popped into my box...amazing isn't it?

Firm Your Thighs With Your Phone!

If you spend a lot of time on the phone, like I do, don't just sit there — make it a workout by "pretending" to sit! Here's how: lean your back lightly against a wall, making sure to press your spine flat. Slowly lower your body along the wall until your knees are bent to at least a 45-degree angle, but no more than 90 degrees. The motion should feel like you're lowering yourself into a chair (WOW! Never done a CHAIR before!) Hold for as long as you can, up to 60 seconds. SQUEEZE! Repeat.

This move not only makes the most of the time you'd otherwise be idle, it also tones and strengthens your quadriceps! Talk about multitasking!

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

The little boy who lives in the rain? Oh that makes me sad too...

Old Knudsen said...

dive see lad? miracles can happen, I heard weemen just want you for yer spice rack.

jagd kunst as usual you have me saying huh? John holloway the governor, poet, marxist or violinist?

kieran I'm on to you, you time traveling cunt,being a sassenach I'm sure you get men and weemen confused all the time south of the border they all have tashs and I bet you don't mind.

robyn as I wrote that I thought, Old Knudsen, you are a bastard,glad I'm not the only one.

sassy sundry if its warm and wet I'll take whats going.

dear prudence I didn't know that, Blogjinx!

ame if ya want firm thighs why don't you just walk alot? a strange world indeed. 'Everything' you say has wanking potential do people talk to you with their hands in their pockets a lot?

lynn as long as hes not a little boy victorian ghost cos they are creepy.

Ame said...

OBB...just FYI...I run! Walking's too sloooooooooooow...did 11.5 miles on Sunday! ;) Firmest thighs in town!

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

Ame, you're just scary.

Cheltenhamdailyphoto said...

Yes they are creepy Old K. Brr. Dark cold wet smoggy Victorian England. Eek. Lots of images now.

Jagd Kunst said...

The one eyed local historian. He's got no teeth and no shoes. Rides a bicycle. You'd get along just fine I'd say.