Sunday 27 May 2007

Spam And Cliche.


I recently learned that you cannot not say certain words without people getting all enthusiastically into Monty Python dialogue.
Firstly I would like to teach the Yanks how to say Python, its not piefon its piefin get it fucking right, that annoys me something rotten.

You can't say shrubbery without some cunt getting into the Knights of Ni or complain about being oppressed (unless you're Irish then who cares?) or mention the violence inherent in the system because then the riot police start to laugh as they lawfully club you into unconsciousness.

I spend hours preparing lecture notes for the local killamory college on history subjects such as Scott of the Sahara and the Spanish Inquisition only to have stoned students snigger all the way through, what is their problem?

I do not think about Monty Python in my every waking hour, if I say "intercourse the penguin" or complain that "my brain hurts" it may be because I'm mentally instable and not a sad twat who knows all the words to the Lumberjack song, I actually do but that's besides the point.

I want to talk about that delicious meat substance Spam, yes Spam is 70 years old this year. Created by Sam Spam also the creator of Disco it was first called Sam Spam Disco luncheon meat but because of the ghey American city that was trying to get Rice 'a' Roni up and running the name was cut to just 'Spam'.

The meat was famous during World War II and fed British, Russian and even American troops, some yanks were eating it 2 or 3 times a day. The GIs would swop tins of Spam for bottles of wine with the French troops, the French called the meat Le Sange (monkey) but the snooty cunts ate it anyway.
Later Soviet Union leader Nikita Khrushchev would write, "Without Spam we wouldn't have been able to feed our army" then he gleefully thumped the table and made history.

Spam sometimes almost tastes like a pork type of meat depending on how drunk you are and how much mustard you put on it, along with baked beans you could eat well at the end of the world. I once killed a man with spam, not something I'm very proud of but I was impressed with the versatility of the luncheon meat, well done yanks you may have fucked up the meat in the first place but you pretended that's how its supposed to be and thus made a success out of yer lack of quality, clever in a moronic sort of way sometimes those Septic Tanks (Yanks).

Ok I give up, what about the Monty python sketch in the cafe when the guy sitting in amongst all the Vikings asks whats on the menu?


Egg and bacon
Egg, sausage and bacon
Egg and spam
Egg, bacon and spam
Egg, bacon, sausage and spam
Spam, bacon, sausage and spam
Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam
Spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam
Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam .

I think all my posts should end with Spam like arses.


I didn't want to be a Blogger. I wanted to be... a Lumberjack! leaping from tree to tree."

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're a leather-lumberjack, that's for sure and these nice endings of the post are thrown in just for diversion ...

Old Knudsen said...

diversion? I don't know what you mean, most readers only remember pictures and the last few lines so I'm going with the flow.

Fat Sparrow said...

"its not piefon its piefin"

An "f" pronunciation, not a "th"? Are you a mong, or did you just have your dentures out?

"some yanks were eating it 2 or 3 times a day"

That would explain the high troop losses.

In Hawaii they use Spam in sushi, which is just wrong on so very many levels. Sushi is the food of the gods, and Spam is not valid.

And I don't think you should take advantage of your daughter's friends like that, posting their pictures all over the Internet.

tony said...

.shouldnt it be Pie Thong.............?

kimba said...

one day old k I wish to be as prolific with my social commentary as you ..

how did you persuade those gels to pose their bottoms so for you? I am sure there is a story there..

Momentary Madness said...

I had a pi-than as a pet. Never heard of the other things. He loved a good ham as a horses douver before the big swallow, he was into big birds.
Y;-Paddy

Old Knudsen said...

fat Sparrow theres no pie either, you put the septic into tank. Those gurls were over 16 so gurn up.

tony its all just a good bit of crack.

manuel makes ya hungry for spam doesn't it?

kimba Your 'e a nympho and I have diarrhea of the mouth we all have our crosses . Its amazing what weemen will do when they think you're rich.

paddy big bird from sesame st needs to meet yer snake, no not yer trouser snake.

Eyebee said...

I actually like spam. I made spam sandwiches for lunch sometimes. I add tomato, or perhaps cucumber. Sometimes I've been known to eat chunks of it on it's own.

I would enjoy eating those asses at the end. They are very yummy indeed.

Gorilla Bananas said...

High class buttocks. Keep on re-posting them every week or else they'll just gather dust in your archives.

Anonymous said...

My accomplice and I have just pinched the largest tin of spam known to humanity.

We were working in the BT owned tunnels running a mile under the city of London. These tunnels run for fekkin' miles and miles, and among them we found food stores with tins of everything you could imagine, however this one particular tin caught my eye.

SPAM. Enough to feed a family for a month.

Needless to say my family are fuckin' well pissed off with me. I can't see why, I love the shit. I think it may be because once you open that massive tin it has to eaten as soon as.

Saying that I could do with some good ol' fish and chips but I dare not say anything. Good job I can eat out in the daytime. Ha har!

Old Knudsen said...

eyebee Spam gives me flashbacks to the war, and heart burn.

Mr Bananas Its the best thing about the post I reckon.

Ron even after 60 years its still good well ish. Did you know that SPAM stands for "Something Posing As Meat"?

Sassy Sundry said...

I thought you were so manly...

Anonymous said...

Knudsen: No, it's SHITE posing as meat!

Old Knudsen said...

sassy I'm a man's man alright.

babsbitchin the Vikings used to eat spam, thats why they raided other cuntries, for better food.

ron the circle of life, it cums out as shite again to be re-used.