Thursday 6 December 2007

Just Who Am I ?

Me in my Vanilla sky mask, just because I cum in yer mouth doesn't mean I love you, in fact I might not even like you.

Years back I lost something very important, I lost my identity. It was a Sunday night and I had gone to bed after taking my usual almost lethal doze of alcohol and pain killers and I was dead to the world.

My then wife Rose was out on a date so I had the hoose to myself which is sometimes necessary to maintain a good marriage as we all need our space .

I had a terrible dream that I was being ripped apart by vultures then there were two disabled midgets having sex nearby , It was all very odd.
I woke up with my usual huge morning erection, I was going to see if Rose was a wake but she was busy in the bed beside me with her boyfriend so I watched.


Remember the mini series "V" ? I don't care if Diana was an alien she could swallow my hamster any day.

He was humping away and she was about to cum as she was making those monkey lips she does then all of a sudden the boyfriend turns his head to look at me and it was me.

I screamed, Rose screamed and me, er the other me told me to get out or he'd call the police.

I tried to convince Rose that I was her husband but she was fixated on the impostors giant manhood that put my huge wab to shame.

I glanced in the mirror and to my horror my face had been peeled off in the night, I grabbed some clothes, the impostor was phoning the police while wearing me cap so I legged it.

My eyes were weeping non-stop due to lack of eyelids young children screamed as they saw me and burst into tears now I knew how it felt to be a priest.

I stopped into the local nerd shop and bought a Micheal Meyers mask, I believe that's the cunt that does the Austin Powers films, if hes going to do an Ogre with a Scottish accent he had better throw in the odd F-word to make it a bit more realistic, "Go fuck ya self donkeey or I'll kick yer shite in."

Walking around with my mask on I felt like Tom Cruise in Vanilla sky but a bit taller.

I walked into the police station and told the desk officer that I was Old Knudsen and my identity had been stolen.

Those dopey fuckers didn't believe me as not only did I not look like him I wasn't wearing a cap, yep they had me there alright.

I went into the branch of my local bank which was the Trustee Savings Bank or the TSB, they had a catchphrase that went "The bank that likes to say yes!" so I'd phone them up and ask them for sexual favours but they never did say yes ever. Its funny, when I go into shops or banks the staff disappear and I always get served by the manager as I must be an important client but this time I got Rita with the tight fuzzy jumper on.

I told her my story and to look for any strange activity on my account, the fucker had ran up a £500 sex toy bill and a £100 in porno mags so that didn't look very suspicious to Rita at all then she saw it.

The creep had bought a pair of £120 Ugg boots, identity thieves can't resist the Ugg boots, no taste what so ever, she called the manager over who then questioned me about what threats I had made to him over the past 8 years and how many times had I tried to rob the place.

He then called the police who took me a bit more seriously and they matched my DNA and finger prints against the sex offenders data base, a complete misunderstanding as to why to this day I'm still in the data base as I swear she said she was 16.

We raced round to my hoose and kicked in the door, it wasn't locked but its police procedure.

The impostor was sitting in my chair drinking my beer and watching the match as Rose served him scones while she wore just a pair of crotch less edible panties (you really don't want to eat them after Rose has worn them) two officers grabbed the impostor and stood him before me, I said "now lets see who you really are" I grabbed my face and pulled it off to reveal none other than Billy one ear, no wait a minute I grabbed his face again and pulled, it was Hannibal Hector from the bookies, no wait I grabbed it again and Hannibal screamed like he was in labour (he actually voted Tory) "sorry Hanny" I said, they clapped the handcuffs on him and he said, "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky old men."

I wasn't sure if Rose was in on it as she went missing soon after, there have been reports of her getting sold in Morocco but I don't want any publicity about it as I just want to get on with my life, the life I had to fight to reclaim.


23 comments:

ellie said...

You read my mind, Ugg boots aside I was just wondering if now would be a good time to place that bumper order with Ann Summers and say it was credit card theft! Perhaps a pair of thigh boots a whip and a rock chic? Do you think I could pull it off ?
Did you ever get your cap back or was it covered by the insurance?

dai said...

Who would ever have thought that Hannibal has a bigger wab? I bet you did feel a bit like Tom Cruise.

Joanna Cake said...

You're not that bloke who disappeared in a canoe and just reappeared with amnesia after five years via a reunion in Panama with his wife last year are you?

Bittersweet said...

who needs drugs when you can read OBB ...

Neponset River Bridge Dig said...

That's some wife you've got there knuddie. Can me and my mates borrow her for a fun night?

M@ said...

The impostor was none other than Young Knudsen!

Jenny said...

It's actually better to read OBB when you're on drugs.

No?

Fine.

More pictures next time, please.

and, I actually think this was one of your better posts.

Anonymous said...

Kidding aside, Mr Knud but I think with the talent you have you should be putting together some sort of book for publication and monetary retribution. Not lickin' yer arse or nuffink but the way you write is indicative of some cunt who could be making a fekkin' good living writin' booooks in the line o' whit the late great Peter Cook did an' all that. Every time I come tae yur place on teh wheb I read a great diatribe of what goes through yer twisted but "what the nation thinks" mind. You have the nation by the bollocks and you dinna mind whit ye say. Such stuff should be made to put akkers in yer pocket. I suspect that ye are in reality some sort of recognised writer operating on this lecherous site under a pseudonym either as an outlet to vent ur spleen to the masses or ye could be an as yet undiscovered gem.

Either way you take the time to put intae wurds whit I meself try to put intae pictures. I have no time or patience to put what I think intae wurds. You is writer, Knudsen. Full stops.

Anonymous said...

And by the way I whid strongly urge Ellie tae get they Anne Summers stuff an' post piccies......

INNER VOICES said...

i thought i was the only one who remebered the tv show V. damn blast from the past there.

Old Knudsen said...

ellie when I don't have my cap on I am just a normal person, no sex appeal and can't blog, after I got my face and cap out of the police edividence locker after 8 months I felt better though both had stains on them, I hate peelers.

dai with exercise and a good diet I increased its size by an inch, its still a paultry 14 inches long though.

cakey gurl I once disappeared up my own arse once. I cover the canoeist on my news blog.
can you canoe

bittersweat some pain killers might be an idea when you read me.

rich my ex? my niece? you are obsessed with the weemen in my life.

matt well I am a timelord but I wouldn't waste it going back to ride Rose.

a boxer just write doon whatever way you want me to blog, start paying me and I'll get right on that, I gave up years ago trying to please weemen. You make them cum 12 times in a row and you make it to the toilet 7 times out of 10 and still they complain.

ron knees nice of you to say so, having just finished my series of books about an 'a' sexual boy wizard and his ghey headmaster I may very well do another book. Or I might not bother, I am not media friendly. Maybe a catalogue of weemen bloggers in gunties.

inner voices I thought it was good at the time, shows you what I know.

Anonymous said...

You are Mr. Nikolaus, reindeer teaser ...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Did you happen to catch sight of your non-self in the mirror? Who did you see?

Marteen said...

Peed myself over this one. But I am sure you don't want to hear about an ageing ladies wet knickers. Do you?

Old Knudsen said...

mago those reindeers are asking for it.

sam problem child bride he looked like me but taller, nice shoulders on him.

Old Knudsen said...

martyne since you seem to want to talk about it I'm willing to listen.

marky said...

you're my grandfather remember? when you dust out the cobwebs send me the money.

Old Knudsen said...

Oh yeah yer the one that likes the statues of naked men, I have so many grandkids.

Marteen said...

'Fraid I put them in the wash but I promise to send you them the next time it happens. That will probably coincide with your next post, you cheeky old codger.

The Mistress said...

You should consider designing your own line of clothing, starting with an Old Knudsen cap.

Some Goofy Woman said...

I tagged you, and I'm sorry.

It's only because I have a crush on you.

-AD

UBERMOUTH said...

"We raced round to my hoose and kicked in the door, it wasn't locked but its police procedure."


You're a master, I tell ya!
Merry Christmas Knud. :)

marky said...

i asked for my inheritance grandfather and you gave me a box of used edible panties, buttplugs and corn cobs (also used). i think Auntie Ethelbert was right about ye