Sunday 13 January 2008

I Do It My Way


You should all know by now that I'm a Time Lord. I can travel through time, space and open fields at the speed of very fast. You should all know from watching TV , films and reading books that you can't change time or you fuck it up in some horrible way and the Time Lords will send the mud monsters after you if you do, also that its a good plot device. Well if I could go back and give myself a message, advice or warning what would it be?

When Ugga brings me his wheel design and offers to bring me in as a partner don't laugh in his face, say "yes."

Pull out before I cum when having sex with Nessie the Neanderthal to avoid creating the Greeks.

Do not invest heavily in Bronze just as the Iron age hits.

Don't holiday in Pompei in 79 AD

Don't give Columbus yer best guess on which way to go because just look how that turned out.

When fellow Scot Alexander Graham Bell tells me about the telephone at a dinner party, don't laugh and mock him saying "will there be wireless phones that can take pictures too?" Invest!

Don't marvel at the Titanic's speed heading towards an iceberg and wonder if the look out has seen it, shout something. That was a swim and a half I can tell you.

Take credit for fighting Hitler to the death and tell the world he was a Gorbesh Demon who go up in flames when you kill them, the world has to know.

Send Britney an e-mail reminding her to wear a pair of gunties when getting out of cars, that was nasty.

Never trust a Lemur.

Wear condoms when I shag Salma Hayek and Halle Berry and don't let Tom Cruise talk me into giving him a sperm sample that has to be pulled off by him in a quiet room, I'm not Suri what he used it for.

When I set up my first Blog give it a deep thoughtful title that won't turn prudes away and don't fucking swear so much or you won't get the right fucking audience, instead you'll get sex made cunts who want midget sex and cock, no wait that's me.


*What message, warning or advice would you give to yerself?*




*Fully expects this question to be abused like Gary Coleman at a pedo convention.*



14 comments:

marky said...

HaHa. You outdo yerself daily Knudsen. I sit and marvel and steal the hot pics for my blog. By the way I can't find Killamory on any maps of Scotland or Ireland. Is it real or in 'fairyland'? Take that and run with it.

dai said...

fuckin' nice that knudsen, thanks

The Mistress said...

Note to self:

Go to oldbitterballs.blogspot.com for all your Fenian cocksucking needs.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

You've won a highly prestigious Award. C'mon and get it...

This Blog Blew Me Away

Old Knudsen said...

dai what was it the midgets?

MJ I thought it would be don't drink that open beer knudsen handed you.

DBS what a way to start the week, yes the week does start on Monday.

Jenny said...

Why the hate on Lemurs, old man?

to answer your question:

When my brother offered me a job at a large software company in 1989.... I should have said YES.

I'm fucking serious.

Old Knudsen said...

a boxer software like sweaters? very nice. for yer lemur question go here and here


DBS He copies cos I'm his hero, hes a sad lad to be sure.

h said...

Actually, I'm doing a time-travelish "What If" post right now. Koinkydink.

kara said...

Though I'm greatly disturbed at the thought of pedos have conventions...I'm curious as to how in the hell one plans such an event. I mean...can you easily book a ballroom at the Hilton? Who's willing to cater? So many questions.

The Mistress said...

Speaking of awards, will there be nekkid oil wrestling for the Irish Blog Awards betwixt you and Manuel?

Old Knudsen said...

troll that would be BLOGJINX!

kara well first you........ nice try, as if I would know.

MJ Its based on something called quality this year so knowing the Irish idea of quality yep, naked oil wrestling.

turnerBroadcasting said...

Ok I Am going to be the only one here who actually answers the question.

Q: What would I do if I could go back in time and change the course of time, in my own life. ?


A: I'd go back and poke a teensy tiny hole in the lambskin condom I used on my first catholic girlfriend that weekend my parents left me with the house

marky said...

Where is Old K?
a. sick and throwing up
b. fell doon on a path dead
c. doing chores for the wife

Old Knudsen said...

TBC I thought catholics only did it up the bum no babies.

marky bucking yer ma.